Weekend Recap.

First, thank you for all the happy birthday wishes!

I had a wonderful time celebrating with my friends Friday evening. When my friend, Kelly, suggested celebrating a few weeks ago, I wasn't really up for it. But somewhere between the waitress who told me that seventeen is a great year and passing my birthday ice cream around the table, my mindset changed. It's no longer the fact that these things might be occurring for the last time. It's enjoying the moments and hoping that the memories will last forever. For once I feel as though things are just getting started instead of coming to a close. I can see my options now and I'm ready to start working towards a more positive future. I can only hope that the waitress was right and that seventeen will be a very good year.

(From my birthday dinner, I'm second from the right.)


Saturday, I celebrated with my best friend (again) for her big birthday dinner. I was able to see a lot of old friends, an added bonus to an already great evening.

Sunday came and passed with no mention of my anniversary. I thought about the fact that twelve years had passed for about three seconds then went on with my day. I just really prefer to silently acknowledge it and move on.

Today is my mom's birthday. Happy birthday, Mom! I know you're reading this, don't worry I won't share your age with the entire internet. I love you!

I just don't know, yet.

My best friend turned seventeen today. I made her seventeen cupcakes and gave her a ticket to a concert we will both attend next weekend. I drove her to school with Stevie Wonder's "Happy Birthday" blaring from the speakers. We even took silly pictures at stop lights. Before she got out of the car she thanked me and said, "I thought today would be like any other day, but thanks to you I know it won't." Moments like this have been stirring a lot of emotion lately. If it were possible to have a teenage midlife crisis, that's what I'd call this. I feel trapped. Everything seems final and scary. This might be the last birthday I celebrate with her for sometime. By this time next year she'll be off to college and who knows what I'll be doing. Thinking about plans for the future leaves me overwhelmed and anxious. I don't know that I'm ready for any of this. I know I need to stop watching the days drift by and take charge, that my future is only as bright as I make it. I'm turning seventeen on Friday. I'll celebrate, but I fear that it will be tainted by what I'm feeling. The future should not seem like a burden. I need to flip my thinking, make the most of what I have. I just wish it didn't seem as though any choice I make today or in the near future will shape my entire life. I just want to feel that not knowing right now is an okay thing.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I just needed to put it out there.

I sincerely apologize for the melodramatic teenage me, me, me-ness of this post.

I'm back!

It has been way too long! I wish I could say I’ve been off on crazy summer adventures, but I really haven’t. Of course I’ve been spending as much time with friends as possible, relaxing by the pool, and working on my tan, but I haven’t really been up to anything so spectacular that I couldn’t spare a few minutes to check in with the OC. I’ve mentioned before that diabetes as writing topic just gets a little boring at times, and I guess that’s why I haven’t felt the need to write here. Perhaps I need to share a little more me and little less “diabetor” to get the writing rolling again?

This summer has given me the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my friends. The majority of my friends live in a town about twenty five minutes away, but four of my closest friends live only five minutes from me so we’ve been trying to make the most of that. Usually just hanging out by my pool, watching TV, going to the park, or out to dinner, but it’s really more about the company. Since I am one of the few with a license and a car, I’ve taken the position as official driver to get all of us across town to see the rest of our friends. We hop in my bug, crank up the tunes, blast the a/c, and try make memories we hope will last forever.

Oh, oh guess who has braces now!? ME! I am probably the only person to ever be excited about braces, but I am. Okay, so it’s been a bit painful, and my OCD tendencies have now turned to obsessive multiple teeth brushings per day. But I know it will all be worth it in the end. Apparently they make me look younger, which is not good because I already have a “baby face” (at least that's what I've been told). I should probably mention I have to get a few teeth pulled because along with my baby face, I still have two baby teeth. Weird, right? Well they are still there because I don’t have any adult teeth underneath. Crazy!

I finished a class!!! I got a B! It was an honors Algebra II class, so I’m happy with that. I’m also on the verge of finishing another one. If I keep up this pace, I will definitely be applying to college for 2009, just like my friends! But then that leads to the next topic…

I am so freaked out about the idea of college. In the “I can not make this decision, stop asking me questions about my possible majors, no I don’t have a specific place in mind, ahhhh leave me alone” sort of way. One of my closest friends is struggling with this too. I can easily hold her hand telling her it will be okay, but I can’t do the same for myself. I think it’s because the idea of going to college was real until very recently. It’s hit me like a freight train, and I am still trying to recover from the impact.

Well I hope everyone is having an amazing summer! I’m off to learn some Spanish, you know so I can graduate on time and think about college...ew.

For the love of music.

I don't think it's much of a secret that I love music. My taste is varied, from country to alt rock, folk to R&B. I will listen to anything at least once. I'm always recommending songs to friends or picking what song will be the next big radio hit in advance. A job in the music industry has always been a dream, no matter how small the role.
Very few people show up to a concert solely for the opening act, but that’s what I did this past Sunday night. You see about a month ago I caught the tail end of a music video and I was intrigued. I needed to know more about the artist behind the beautiful voice, because he had that something. I immediately started searching the internet for more. I didn’t have a name or a song title just a few lines from the song, but I found him. Justin Nozuka, a 19-year-old from Toronto, Canada. After listening to two songs on his MySpace page, I knew I needed his album. I was in luck because it had been released two weeks prior, and I’m glad because waiting for it would have killed me. It’s rare that you can listen to an entire CD without skipping a track, but I didn’t skip a single one. From beginning to end Justin’s voice drives the songs with deeply emotional lyrics and amazing acoustic sound. He’s Jonny Lang with an acoustic guitar, Ben Harper with more of a voice, Joss Stone but a guy, really he’s just something I’ve never heard before.
Sunday was just amazing. His performance style was different from anyone else I had ever seen. He danced, had his eyes closed, and barely talked, almost as if the audience was just sneaking a glimpse of what he does at home in front of a mirror. After his set was over he signed autographs in the back and seemed surprised that people were acknowledging him. Of course I was in that "shocked I’m standing here talking to someone who has had a video on Vh1" state so I didn’t get to say much. Thankfully my amazing friend Lauren was able to talk to him a bit and ask him to take a picture with us, which he was more than happy to do. I could not get over how quiet and normal he was, or the fact that he continued to say thank you to us as if we were the only ones who came to see him. The next act was Marié Digby, who gained fame from her acoustic cover of “Umbrella” on YouTube. I would say her voice is somewhere along the lines of Mandy Moore, but Marié wrote all of the songs on her album and plays guitar and piano so that does give her music something more. The final act was Eric Hutchinson (think Ben Folds with a dash of Stevie Wonder’s funk). I was impressed with his interaction with the audience of just over 100 people. He accepted a t-shirt that a fan made for him, wished a girl happy birthday mid way through a song, and even replied that he would think about it when a girl screamed something about having his babies. At the end of the night he also signed autographs, and my friend Sarah was able to have her shirt signed. Eric was also generous enough to take a picture with us. After attending a concert at such a small venue, I don’t think I could ever attend a stadium or arena concert again. The artists were so accessible, friendly, and real, as if it were a private concert, except for the fact that it only cost me 20 dollars. What a wonderful night.

Here are a few pictures you can check out the rest in my Opening Acts! set on Flickr

JDRF WALK!

I'm home and very tired. The walk was a lot of fun. I have a new hobby, pump spotting! I exceeded my 500 dollar goal! I met Naomi! It's time for a nap, but I'll have way more to say tomorrow. Until then a picture of my team and a video that explains why I love these girls so much!

A weekend review.

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I know I did. It was tiring and slightly stressful, but I made it through. I spent all of Friday evening working on the front of 12 t-shirts for my JDRF walk team members. Procrastination is one of my terrible habits. I was up until 1AM working on them, and I'm still paying for that lack of sleep. I woke up early Saturday to clean the kitchen floor, vacuum, and set up for the party. We were expecting about 6-7 of my friends, but unfortunately only 4 could make it. We had a great time chatting about the boys we are friends with and their lack of social ability. We watched Juno for the millionth time. I told them about my blog and that I would be meeting 2 people who also blog about diabetes at the walk. They thought it was so cool that I actually have a bit of a following. I didn't give them the blog address because I'm not that vocal about having Type 1 Diabetes in my everyday life, but who knows maybe they'll find it some day. I like to let people into this side of my life very slowly. We finished almost all of the shirts, and I was left with the responsibility of completing the ones that we didn't get to. Sunday I worked on the remaining ones and now I have 3 left. It was a very productive weekend!

You can check out the pictures in my JDRF Walk Flickr Set.

This week is going to pass by very quickly. On Friday we're going to New Jersey for my cousin's first communion, and we'll return late Saturday so we can make it to the walk on Sunday. Who knows when I'll have time to blog between school work and last minute prep for the weekend.
Have a good week!

Monday Mash...

Well, the dance was a lot of fun. I met up with a few friends, and we danced the night away. As usual I complained about the heat from all of the people being in such a closed space, and how much my feet hurt in my favorite red heels by the end of the night.
On the diabetes front things were excellent. The dress I wore already had pockets, so I just slit a little hole in one for my tubing and no one even knew it was there. I arrived at the dance with a blood sugar of 106 on an 85% basal rate. I ate a pack of Swedish Fish to account for a bit of IOB left over from dinner and then I hit the dance floor. I ended the night at a fabulous 118. I would post a picture of me all gussied up, but I did not realize until the end of the night how low cut my dress was...so no pictures to embarrass myself even further by letting the whole world see.

I went to the dentist today. Most of it was good news. I am luckily blessed with no wisdom teeth, seriously I do not have them! I also don't have any cavities, but I do have to go back for the dentist to check out something (he suspects a cavity) underneath a sealant that I had put on 3 years ago. Unfortunately the hygienist did detect a small amount of gingivitis around my bottom front teeth, but that can easily be remedied with my "home care regimen". It's basically that I hate mouth wash, and I don't floss every single day (are there actually people that do?) So I guess I'll have to suck it up, and ramp up that aspect of my diabetes related regimen because unfortunately diabetes and gingivitis are related.

Time for another long week. I'm planning to focus more on my school work, we will see where that leads. I'm hoping I can get into a more consistent groove, because what I've been doing has not been as productive as I would like.

Have a great week!

Quick Update.

Today feels like Friday for some reason. I'm going with bullets for this one because I just don't have a lot time to waste.

• Yesterday I commenced OSS aka Operation Stop Slacking. I've set goals for my school work and a system to track my progress. It's weird because as much as my friends, parents, sister, therapist, and whoever else encouraged me to do my work, I knew it wouldn't happen until I got sick of the way things were. It happened Tuesday when I realized that not only would I not experience a proper graduation next May, I might not even "graduate" at all at the pace I'm going. So I thought to myself OSS begins tomorrow (yesterday)! Don't worry I'm only posting this as a quick break from my school work.
  
• Today my best friend is leaving on a trip to Greece for spring break with her AP World History class. I barely get to see her as it is, and now she's leaving for the entire break. It's alright though, she's been having a lot of family issues and I know this trip will do her good. Later this afternoon I'm heading to her house to bid her adieu!
  
• Tonight I'm heading to another close friends house for her 2 day 17th birthday celebration. The girls who were invited will be sleeping over tonight and the boys will join us tomorrow for her real birthday 3.14 (Pi day for the math nerds out there). This is her present.
• Oh and a thank you to everyone who eased my fears from my last post. I can be a bit irrational when I over think things, so thanks for helping me out. The information will definitely serve me well!

See you Monday!

Like the English.

Tomorrow I will be attending a rugby game.

I only know a few things about rugby.

1)They wear striped shirts.
2)It's muddy.
3)English and Australian people play it.
4) My friend Jordan will be lifted into the air by his shorts for some unknown purpose.

Things I don't know.

1)The point of the game.
2)If there is a goal/net.
3)Why I think spending 2 hours in the cold and rain is a good idea.

So I am writing this in hopes that you brilliant and worldly souls know something about this crazy game. What do I need to know to be a supportive and involved spectator? Basic rules? Comparisons to other normal sports...anything.

I've become...

One of those weird home schooled kids.
It kind of freaks me out.

I have entire friendships that exist completely on the internet.
Don’t worry. I’m not talking about To Catch A Predator chat room friendships.

I’ve realized that Facebook creates a strange dynamic.
First it allows me to “stalk” people who I am no longer friends with. We’re talking elementary school friends and the boy I used to like. It’s horrible, I feel so creepy even admitting that.
It also has the ability to bridge the gap between myself and people I would never have been friends while we were classmates at my former school. It’s amazing how much a change in your “status” can draw people to your page. I’ve bonded with people over things like Juno, political views, and similar musical taste. In that respect it’s pretty fun.

Oh and let’s not forget the bloggers. It’s really weird to me that there are people I consider to be my "friends" who I’ve never met and are way older than me.

I’m actually slightly excited about my school prospects. (Shhh… don’t tell my mom or she’ll start bombarding me with questions.) At my old school it felt like I was going through the motions, stuck into a mold and a specific set of curriculum guidelines. Now I can see the options and all the possibilities that I have in regards to courses and my future. It’s a bit freeing.

I’ve starting writing in these little notebooks. One is for blog ideas, the other is for little ideas that come to me. I’ve never been a “writer”, I still don’t even think I am. I don’t like poetry, and now I’m writing things that are basically in that creative writing poetry realm. Writing used to feel like a chore and something I just did for a grade. It’s all less stifling, and I’m actually learning new things about myself.

Obviously the next logical step is joining some strange religious cult, right?

(I'm working on a new template, bare with the random hideousness you may encounter when you visit the blog through out the next few days.)

Random Thoughts on Super Bowl Sunday.

I haven't updated in a few days. So I'm just going to throw out a few things that are on my mind.

- Tom Brady is not cute. I much prefer the Southern charm of Eli Manning.
- Teenage boys are weird. Trust me this was proven yesterday. My friend Christian decided it would be fun to eat a dog treat while we were all hanging out.
- Who the heck is Tom Petty and why the hell did Justin Timberlake & Janet Jackson have to subject the world to horrible Super Bowl half time shows post "wardrobe malfunction"?
- Playing Scrabulous (Facebook user's know what I'm talking about) when in the midst of a low, might not be the smartest idea. It leads to the creations of many strange and nonexistent word choices.
- Still no sussy for me! Hopefully it will be here tomorrow. It's been so fun watching everyone receive their gifts that I just can't wait much longer!
- Jordin Sparks did not sing the national anthem live (fyi), and she so does not look my sister (my crazy Aunt Jacqui thinks she does.)
- My friend Jordan's little sister wants to be called Tay Tay Mcafee (her real name is Taylor).
- I am stressed out by the Giants first half play, this can be documented by the state of my hair. You see I tend to run my hands through my hair when I get stressed. The only problem is when you have extremely curly hair like I do, you end up looking like Don King.
- I have an Endo appointment on Wednesday. My first A1c since pumping and since August for some reason will be revealed. I'm thinking 6's, we'll see what happens.
- I have a cold and I could be slightly delusional at this time.

After this one, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I think I might have the one of best friends ever. Yesterday after I sent my emails and Facebook event invites about the JDRF walk, my best friend Reshma called me. Not only does she want to participate, she made a team for her church youth group. I would have been happy with her just coming along for the walk, but this is seriously above and beyond. I’ve known her since 5^th grade and she has always been there for me. She is definitely one of my few friends who I am completely open with about my diabetes. I’ve always said that she was the last person I ever introduced myself to, as a joke, but it’s really true. I knew from the day I met her in music class she was all I would need. I’ve got other great friends, but she is truly the best! Yay for amazing and supportive friends!

I'm off to Philadelphia tomorrow with my sister. She has decided to take this quarter off from law school for health reasons. All of the stress has caused her to feel overwhelmed and also has started to affect her lupus. It will be more beneficial for her take this time off than to keep pushing, which could possibly make her mentally and physically sick. So I’m going along for the ride, while she ties up a few loose ends. I might be able to post while I’m gone. If not I’ll be back with more answers and my 100^th post on Wednesday.

The Computer, License, IHOP, and Early Christmas.

I'm doing bullet points. I can't resist.

• So everything with the computer seems to be falling into place. They replaced the hard drive for free because it's still under warranty, and it also got upgraded to a 2.5gb one because it's all they had left in the store. Small surprises are always nice. We received the recovery discs yesterday, so they ran those on the new hard drive last night. My mom is picking the computer up today. While all of this is going on my old hard drive is making it's way to Louisville (I think). Where the big repairs or whatever are done. They will attempt to retrieve my files at a fee of somewhere around 200 dollars. They won't do anything until they call us with a cost estimate, just in case it's way more. In the end it will be worth it because I have at least that much invested in iTunes music, plus my pictures and school work are priceless. I'm just glad my parents are willing to pay for it. In the meantime I will at least be able to use the new and improved computer while I wait on my old files. Cross your fingers that there will be no issues with retrieving my files! The next step is either an external hard drive or some other back up method (suggestions are welcome.)
  
• I have an 8:30 am appointment at the MVA on Friday to take my behind the wheel provisional license test. The only problem is we still haven't heard a thing from the Medical Advisory Board, even though my mom has called almost every day since last Monday. I'll update Friday to let you know how that goes.
• I also have an interesting get together to attend Friday afternoon. The Thanksgiving crew and I are going bowling and to IHOP. This worries me. First of all, I have only been to IHOP twice, and both of these times I was pump less. We are going at 4 in the afternoon, and my basal rates are not set for me eating at that time. I have this weird issue of going high after dinner, but only when dinner is at a normal hour. So I'm concerned that that basal kick up I have around 7pm will send me falling. I guess it's time to figure out a temporary rate. Plus breakfast food is not exactly carb friendly. Sometimes diabetes is so annoying, when all I want to do is have a little teenage fun!
• On Saturday morning my sister and I are heading north for an early Christmas with my mom's side of the family. (My parents are going up Friday after my test, and my sister will be arriving here shortly after they leave.) I'm excited to see if I can pull off another holiday with relatively good numbers. I'm also looking forward to seeing my little cousins who I haven't seen in 2 months.
  

And don't worry I will definitely have license, IHOP, and early Christmas pictures for you!

Pumping at a Party.

The party Saturday was pretty good. It was for one of my best friends, Kelly's 17th birthday. She will actually be turning 17 tomorrow. Like I said it freaks me out that I have a friend who is 17! For some reason I still feel like I am in 8th grade. Kelly came to pick me up a little before 5 o'clock. Then she drove us back to her house, which is less than a mile away, to let me see the decorations and to alleviate those hour before the party jitters. I should mention that I haven't seen her since I started pumping. She didn't notice for almost half an hour. When she spotted it, she asked "what's the deal with that?". I explained to her that it was an insulin pump, and instead of taking a bunch of shots every day this would replace 2 of those long acting shots as it "pumped" tiny "shots" of insulin every 3 minutes and then every time I wanted to eat I just punch in a few numbers and it gives the right amount for the food. Kelly is not very mechanical and isn't all that knowledgeable my diabetes care, so I tried to make it simple. You may be wondering why I have best friend who doesn't know a lot about my diabetes. It's just because Kelly is not the type of person where diabetes is going to matter to her. She knows enough about it; how to tell if I'm low, check my sugar, she has seen me take shots etc. I think she was just disappointed that she can no longer jokingly pretend that I do drugs. She also commented that I just looked like a lady at the mall "countin' my steps on her lunch hour".
This is dress I wore:

I'm not sure if you can see it, but there was belt around the waist and it is also a wrap dress. So I ran the pump tubing from my site (on my abdomen) through the interior slit, across the front, to the exterior slit. Then I clipped my little buddy Orin on to the belt on the same side of the exterior slit and we were ready to party! (I hope that all makes sense.)With the pump at my side and close to the slit, I was able to not have a lot of tubing exposed. It was also easy to access to bolus for dinner & cake, as well as enter blood sugars, and make corrections. I topped out the night at 187, which I didn't think was that bad considering all the hooplah.

I haven't posted my Diabetes 365 pictures in awhile. I'll be back tomorrow with those. In the meantime why don't you check out the pool, there are now over 800 pictures.

Halloween Party! and Day 11

Well as you know (well who ever reads this on a regular basis would know) tomorrow is the first day I will have insulin in my pump. At 10 I will hop in the Town & Country with my mom and drive up to Baltimore for the final step! I'm more than ready for this. Let's just say it's a day no one in my family thought we would ever get to. Mostly because I am the most stubborn person ever. Okay but on to the real excitement. Tomorrow evening I will be attending a Halloween party at a friend's house. She lives about half an hour away. My parents plan to even go out to dinner near her house, since it is my dad's birthday, just to give me an extra hour or so with them close by. I don't think I will be spending the night, but I know that a party on my first day of pumping is probably testing the waters a little too much. I'm sure I can keep everything in control, I will check my blood sugars regularly and even get my friends to remind me. My doctor and pump trainer didn't seem to think this was a huge deal. They basically said if you are afraid of doing things while on the pump, it isn't giving you the freedom that you should gain from it. I know there will definitely be enough sugar there to correct any possible lows, and I will be careful to monitor how much I eat. I will bring extra everything, an insulin pen just in case. The works. So I am basically looking for any suggestions. Anything to watch out for, whatever you can come up with.

Diabetes 365

Tomorrow I will be attending a Halloween party at a friend's house. I agreed to help her decorate so I went out and got a few things. But I also always remember that most of my friends do not drink diet soda, so I thought I should bring along my own. I have certain friends that I know will always have diet soda in their fridge, this girl is not one of them. It doesn't bother me to have to make a bottle of diet soda a part of my party supplies. This is just another way as a person with diabetes that I must adapt to the way diabetes makes me different.

There is no cure for Type 1 or Type 2 Diabetes.

Yet.

Mark Your Calendars!

October 22, 2007 I will have my saline start. October 26, 2007 PUMPING INSULIN! That's right almost a month from now I will join the ranks of all you pumpy people out there in the OC. Unfortunately the date could not be sooner because of scheduling conflicts the soonest and only time available was the week of the 8th. That won't work out for us, but hey I would rather be at my celebrating my Pop-Pop's 80th birthday. Plus my mom and I decided that it was just not smart to start the pump and go out of town for a celebration. There would be too many things to worry about and why should we add pump drama to it? So Tuesday the newest edition to my diabetes team will arrive. Then I will have a couple of weeks to watch all the training videos and get acquainted.
Tomorrow I am attending my former school's homecoming dance. For some reason this always causes havoc with my numbers. I think its the nervous excitement of seeing people I haven't seen in a while, and the fact that my friends never seem to be on time. When the schedule is off, the numbers do not co-operate. I will just treat this with the birthdays and holidays diabetes rule, it just won't count.

We're All In This Together!

Yes, the title does reference High School Musical.


For most of my childhood and adolescence with diabetes, I was always a hidden diabetic among other kids my age. I think it was the fact that I had no idea what diabetic meant when I was 5 and made the decision that I wasn’t going to share it with others. I remember going to the nurses office in kindergarten and 1st grade alone. I remember snack time in the corner of the back of the class in 2nd grade, I was “fruit roll-up girl”. When the other kids asked why I had a snack in the back, I just ignored them or said because my mom wanted me too. I was not into sharing it, it was something for behind closed doors, in the back of classrooms, and restaurant bathrooms. It took me over a year to tell my best friend (R) who I met in 5th grade. We talked on the phone everyday after school, sat next to each other in every class, and yet I could not share this thing that was a part of me. I was afraid. I wanted to be Jillian, best friend, funny, cool, and creative. Not Jillian the Diabetic. But guess what happened the first time she saw me test? She asked if she could do it too. The first time she saw me give myself a shot, she said, “If you ever need me to, I’ll stab you, okay?” We still joke about this comment. That reaction was all I needed to know it would be okay to tell. I even do shots in front of most of my friends, too. Before I told my mom I don’t do it because I don’t want to scare them. In truth I was the one who was scared. I have another friend (K) who says she likes to pretend I’m a druggie, because it makes me cool. (Yes, K is out of her mind) Who knew “shooting up” in the back of a station wagon so you can eat some ice cream was cool? So whenever I feel it is necessary I tell. I have another friend (D) who I told after being friends with her for 5 years. I know crazy. But I was scared, paralyzed by how different being diabetic made me. You know what she said, “Oh so that’s what the fruit roll-ups were about in 2nd grade.” It didn’t phase her. I can remember going to sleepovers when I was younger. My mom would call the other mom to talk about my diabetes and the fact that she would come over in the morning before breakfast to give me a shot. She would pull up outside, I would run out hop in get my shot and go back inside. When I returned, my lie was usually something like “I forgot to take this pill (for something or another).” I thank my mom so much for letting me keep it my business until I was ready, but making sure I was safe. I thank all of my friends for being supportive, and not living up to my worst fears of making me different or weird. And now I have the OC, who knew virtual strangers could make me feel less alone in this. It’s one thing to have people accept something that is a part of you, but it’s another to actually have people who are dealing with that same “something”.