Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I don't have a title for this one.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m missing some part of my brain. When it comes to understanding the emotions that others seem to have when it comes to their diabetes, I have trouble “getting it”.

As of today, I’m not sad and I can’t say that I can remember ever being that way. I know I used to be scared, but not of the complications or the future. I was afraid of the shots (when I was very little), blood work, and the way the world would view me as a diabetic. My parents never worried about my future or my lows while I wasn’t in their care (I’ve asked them.) The worst part for my parents was being the ones who had to give me the shots, and the exhausting process I would put them through as I fought them off. My doctors didn’t put a lot of weight into A1c numbers in the beginning. It may be old school thinking, but they realized that anything near “perfect control” wasn’t really possible in a growing child. It was 2 shots a day and couple of glucose tests. There wasn't talk of correction factors, basal, bolus etc. It was simple and no where near perfect. It barely worked. I can’t even remember if I thought “diabetes” was a forever kind of thing. But I’m thankful for those things, because if I had known diabetes was that “bad” I probably would have turned out a lot differently. I now know that without a cure, diabetes means forever. But I’m pretty sure I’d be okay with that. For me it still doesn’t seem that “bad”. I’m confident in my abilities to tweak numbers, know my body’s reactions, sense lows, and care for myself. For right now I’m healthy and relatively happy. Things could be much worse. I could be dying, but I'm not. I'm living. Plus there are people who don’t have the amazing technology of an insulin pump, the insulin for it, or meters that read in 5 seconds. I’m more worried about high school, college, a future career, and if Justin Timberlake will ever know I love him, than I am about my diabetic future. Being a “diabetic” is probably one of the last things on the list that describes me. It’s also one of the last things that has any influence on who I am as a person. Diabetes care is just something I do because I have to. It’s like breathing. I don’t really need to think about it. I just do it. This might change one day, but for now this is how I feel.

These are the cards I’ve been dealt, and I have no other choice but to live well with them.


dae said...

i totally identify with this post. diabetes care is a part of me and i do it because it's like...innate. i'm your typical 20-something. i'm more bothered about my impending career, finishing my degree, my family, friends, and so on. great post, i loved it.

Donna said...

You continue to enlighten me with your mature insight. You look at things the way we all should. Thanks for the reminder.

Anonymous said...

i do kind of get what you're saying here, because often other things in my life take precedence over diabetes- but I can't say I've never been sad or scared about the future.. So that's where we differ. I wish I hadn't, I think it's pretty cool you've never worried over that stuff!

Jillian said...

Dae Thanks. Maybe I have more of a Type 2 mentality? I'm not sure. It just seems that things could be worse.

Donna, I'm not sure if it's rose colored glasses or what but sometimes it's just hard to complain.

Seonaid, the only future thing I think I'm worried about is being able to be a mother and all that diabetic pregnancy entails (which is far off). My other worries, diabetes or not, are pretty typical but minor. So I wouldn't say never.

Cara said...

You know, I pretty much dealt with the same things. I put my parent's through so much. I wouldn't give my own shots for years. They didn't count carbs, or deal with insulin to carb ratios. I ate (most of the time) and sometimes it was okay, sometimes I went high, and sometimes I went low.
I don't really remember many of my A1c's during this time. I'm not sure I'd want to know them anyway.
But, we have been dealt this card. We can pray for a cure. Someday, there may be one. :)
By the way, I had a ball on the "Pike" :) I thought about you while I was up. Be checking my blog in the next few days. I will be posting lots of fun pictures and stuff.

Hannah said...

A very enlightening post! Don't we all wish we just didn't worry about things. Honestly, I wasn't really worried until about 2 years ago. I'll be 26 in two weeks, and even though I have my fears, doubts and worries about my diabetes, I feel like it's something I can overcome with some support and motivation! (And a good insulin pump. Maybe that counts as support.)

I definitely understand what you're saying. If I go out with friends, take a trip, interview for a job, diabetes is not the first thing I think of. It's just something that lurks in the background, a part of life. Some people have a cigarette before dinner, and instead I check my BG. Most days, I feel like diabetes is just along for the ride.