I don't have a title for this one.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m missing some part of my brain. When it comes to understanding the emotions that others seem to have when it comes to their diabetes, I have trouble “getting it”.

As of today, I’m not sad and I can’t say that I can remember ever being that way. I know I used to be scared, but not of the complications or the future. I was afraid of the shots (when I was very little), blood work, and the way the world would view me as a diabetic. My parents never worried about my future or my lows while I wasn’t in their care (I’ve asked them.) The worst part for my parents was being the ones who had to give me the shots, and the exhausting process I would put them through as I fought them off. My doctors didn’t put a lot of weight into A1c numbers in the beginning. It may be old school thinking, but they realized that anything near “perfect control” wasn’t really possible in a growing child. It was 2 shots a day and couple of glucose tests. There wasn't talk of correction factors, basal, bolus etc. It was simple and no where near perfect. It barely worked. I can’t even remember if I thought “diabetes” was a forever kind of thing. But I’m thankful for those things, because if I had known diabetes was that “bad” I probably would have turned out a lot differently. I now know that without a cure, diabetes means forever. But I’m pretty sure I’d be okay with that. For me it still doesn’t seem that “bad”. I’m confident in my abilities to tweak numbers, know my body’s reactions, sense lows, and care for myself. For right now I’m healthy and relatively happy. Things could be much worse. I could be dying, but I'm not. I'm living. Plus there are people who don’t have the amazing technology of an insulin pump, the insulin for it, or meters that read in 5 seconds. I’m more worried about high school, college, a future career, and if Justin Timberlake will ever know I love him, than I am about my diabetic future. Being a “diabetic” is probably one of the last things on the list that describes me. It’s also one of the last things that has any influence on who I am as a person. Diabetes care is just something I do because I have to. It’s like breathing. I don’t really need to think about it. I just do it. This might change one day, but for now this is how I feel.

These are the cards I’ve been dealt, and I have no other choice but to live well with them.

A letter to Diabetor.

Dear Diabetor,

Every once and awhile you get me down. Like when my mom says, “I feel guilty when I hear those shots click and they are keeping you alive, and there is nothing I can do to make it better.” When I think of the numbers: 9 shots on an easy day, 14 on a bad day, 12-14 tests a day, almost 11 years as my sidekick, 10.5 that embarrassing A1c that won’t budge, my weight thanks to the shit load of insulin I have to take, the money it takes to maintain you, carb counts. Did you know that if I want a pump it means I will have to forgo the braces? Yeah, you suck. The hiding I’ve done because of you, only recently have I taken both feet out of that “Diabetes Closet”. When I think of the responsibility I have because of you. Most of my friends know what carbs are, but they don’t find ways to stretch a meal so they can have a bit of everything. I don’t save room for dessert, I save carbs for dessert. I’ve found ways around having to get a shot to eat something. You made me wish for lows for those years when you wouldn’t budge from those mid 200’s. And now that I have them again, I hate them! I wish you would play fair. I wish you would give me a break. But I know that that will probably never happen. I have to find a way to get on your good side. I try not to fight you, I try embracing you, but it’s hard when you act like the preteen that you are and want to be independent. I’m working overtime and you my friend are tripping me when I am leading the race. I wish you would stop. But until we find a way to make peace I’ll see you every night at 11, 1, and 4. I’ll push you down with insulin, I’ll log your every move, and fight my way to be number one and put you in your proper place. I won’t give up. I won’t let you do that to me. Unlike with other things in my life quitting is NOT an option.

All the best,

-Jillian