Cornered.

When I started my blog, just under a year ago, I never realized that I would quickly begin to feel cornered as a “Diabetes Blogger”. This feeling sometimes causes me to think I’m breaking unwritten diabetes blogging rules when I dip into other aspects of my life. Although you probably know more about certain parts of my personal life than people I consider to be my friends (IRL), I can't help but feel that you don't know me at all. This blog gives me the opportunity to present the world with whatever pieces of me that I choose, but I feel like I'm not being myself. I rarely talk about diabetes in real life, it's just a small part of who I am. I need to allow my real self to be displayed, and I don't know if a diabetes blog is the way to go about doing that.
I constantly contemplate leaving this blog to start a more general one. I want to blog about more than being a 16 year old girl with Type 1 Diabetes. But at the same time I don’t want to leave behind the support that is so willingly extended without hesitation from one d-blogger to another. I still want to share my story, however simple it might be. I want to give those “anonymous lurker moms” a little hope that their children will be able to make it through childhood and the teen years in spite of a Type 1 diagnosis. I need to find a way to be more than a girl with diabetes, because I really am a lot more than that.

I'm just feeling conflicted, and I wouldn't be surprised if I decide to run off to blog about politics, pop culture, being biracial, or my shoe collection someday.

Suggestions to resolving this problem are welcome, because I obviously can't figure it out.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Quick Update.

Today feels like Friday for some reason. I'm going with bullets for this one because I just don't have a lot time to waste.

• Yesterday I commenced OSS aka Operation Stop Slacking. I've set goals for my school work and a system to track my progress. It's weird because as much as my friends, parents, sister, therapist, and whoever else encouraged me to do my work, I knew it wouldn't happen until I got sick of the way things were. It happened Tuesday when I realized that not only would I not experience a proper graduation next May, I might not even "graduate" at all at the pace I'm going. So I thought to myself OSS begins tomorrow (yesterday)! Don't worry I'm only posting this as a quick break from my school work.
  
• Today my best friend is leaving on a trip to Greece for spring break with her AP World History class. I barely get to see her as it is, and now she's leaving for the entire break. It's alright though, she's been having a lot of family issues and I know this trip will do her good. Later this afternoon I'm heading to her house to bid her adieu!
  
• Tonight I'm heading to another close friends house for her 2 day 17th birthday celebration. The girls who were invited will be sleeping over tonight and the boys will join us tomorrow for her real birthday 3.14 (Pi day for the math nerds out there). This is her present.
• Oh and a thank you to everyone who eased my fears from my last post. I can be a bit irrational when I over think things, so thanks for helping me out. The information will definitely serve me well!

See you Monday!

It's official, I've lost my mind.

So this afternoon I was out in the garage harassing my dad while he was doing yard work. As I walked back into the house, he pointed to the tubing hanging from my pocket and said, "Jill, what are you going to do with that thing when you swim? I mean you can't wear it, right?" I stopped and thought about it. While Cozmo claims that the pump is waterproof I don't think that swimming with this thing is necessarily a smart idea. Disconnect boluses don't usually end well for me though. Plus I do not look forward to testing and reconnecting repeatedly just to go swimming. I mean I'm no Gary Hall Jr. so it's not like I'm running a race or anything like that, we just happen to have an inground pool in our back yard. Although summer is a few months off, I'm already worried about this whole thing. I've previously considered taking a pump break for the summer, just because I don't feel like dealing with the idea of pumping in the summer and all that entails (amusement park rides (supposedly you can't wear a pump on roller coasters), swimming, possibly the beach, heat, etc). But I could totally be over reacting, because that's what I usually do.
Now to the part where I've fallen off my rocker. About an hour ago I was talking to my mom and I said, "So would you think I was crazy if I wanted to put my pump in the bath tub?" She looked at me with that you must be joking face and replied with a yes. I then explained that I just wanted to test it's waterproof-ness. I haven't done it, but I am tempted to. So have I lost it? Fellow pumpers, what do you do in the summer?

Canceled.

Well the game was canceled, due to the down pour that I am now watching from my window. I'm happy though, because I really didn't want to stand around in the rain. Now I'm just going to have a boring Friday night unless my friends come up with another plan, which they won't because that's just how we operate. My sister is here for the weekend, but she's in a crabby mood because her Lupus is flaring up. So who knows what my weekend will bring. Hopefully something at least slightly fun.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Like the English.

Tomorrow I will be attending a rugby game.

I only know a few things about rugby.

1)They wear striped shirts.
2)It's muddy.
3)English and Australian people play it.
4) My friend Jordan will be lifted into the air by his shorts for some unknown purpose.

Things I don't know.

1)The point of the game.
2)If there is a goal/net.
3)Why I think spending 2 hours in the cold and rain is a good idea.

So I am writing this in hopes that you brilliant and worldly souls know something about this crazy game. What do I need to know to be a supportive and involved spectator? Basic rules? Comparisons to other normal sports...anything.

Always means forever.

I’m usually okay with the idea that there may never be a cure for Type 1 Diabetes. I’m okay with it today, I’ll be okay with it tomorrow, and probably next week too. The only time I’m not okay is when I say something like, “I left my kit downstairs, as if I don’t always need it.” After the words slipped from my mouth last night, I just stood there. Always means forever. Forever isn’t a word I’m comfortable with. What else in my life will last forever? Season will change, most everything else will come and go, but diabetes will probably always be there. My approach to living with this disease is to take each day as it comes. I can’t change the bad numbers of yesterday. I can only deal with today. Complications may come in the future, even with the best of control, and all I can is do is my best right now. Uncertainty is not something I like though. I guess I’ve never really thought about idea of what growing old with Diabetes will mean. I expect it to be there for my first date, my wedding, when I have a child, and many other milestone events. But until last night I never thought that meant forever. Today I’m just not okay with the reality of always having diabetes.

I've got nothing.

Well apparently my creative writing well has run dry. I've got no diabetes related stories, general life drama, or fun links to share. So excuse me while I take brief break to look for some writing inspiration. I think I really need to get out of the house more...then I'd have something else to say.
Until I return, I'll leave you with this photo from Diabetes 365.

Day 141 (3/3/08) The little things.



Today it's a warm 65 degrees, and I found this lone crocus in our backyard. It reminded me that sometimes when dealing with diabetes or any other chronic illness, you can get caught up. There are always thoughts of the overwhelming numbers, aiming for control, looming complications etc. Sometimes it's hard to appreciate small wonders.

There is no cure for Type 1 or Type 2 Diabetes.

Yet.