Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I don’t know how to explain it.


But I’ll try. Last night I got into verbal argument with both of my parents, separately. (There goes my perfect teenager image.) The first time it was because I overheard my father talking about “the way I talk to adults” and that he isn’t having it anymore. So I flipped out, because this is a line he uses all too frequently. There is an extremely long back story to why I flipped out, involving the fact that my father is bi-polar. As a result he wasn’t involved much in my childhood, although he has always lived in our house. Because of his emotional unavailability and an incident that occurred 2 years ago, our relationship (or lack thereof) is very volatile and there is an admitted lack of respect that goes both ways. So anyway I said a lot of admittedly disrespectful things, but I was angry and I could not help it. So he ended up leaving the house. I then said more admittedly to her. It all ended badly and is yet to be resolved. I don’t even know why I am telling anyone about this. It is just that today I had one of those days where everything felt completely wrong, and I didn’t have any way of fixing things. I could cry about it, but I couldn’t talk to anyone. I told my sister but that was just worse, because she is studying for law school exams and the last thing she needs is for me to burden her with this.

Then to top it off, for some reason because of my Diabetes 365 picture today and the responses I got from it. I got upset. I felt like all of my diabetic life I was short changed. I had diabetes for all 11 years of my life in traditional school. I only had 3 weeks in school without it. But guess what I never had? A 504 plan or anything like it. My parents never even knew about them until my sister got sick when I was 7, and still I never had one. No one ever told us they would be appropriate for a child with diabetes. Not a doctor, not a school nurse, not a guidance counselor. Thankfully I never needed anything special for my diabetes while in school. Yes, the trips to the nurses office where tedious and I thought there had to be a better way. But what did we know? We asked for change and still no one told us what exactly we needed to do. No one ever gave my parents the guide for diabetes and school (does it exist?). This got me thinking. How many kids out there have any type of disability that could require special adjustments or protocol while in school, but their parents are under informed or are told that nothing is available to help? I’m upset about this, and it doesn’t even matter for more me anymore. I no longer attend traditional school. I’m upset that little me went to school every day with diabetes and something could have been different. But I am more upset that there are probably a lot of kids out there like me who are not being helped. I have no idea where I am going with this like I said it’s just one of those days…

6 comments:

Cara said...

Yuck! I'm sorry to hear about the disagreement with your parents. That sucks. I hope it works itself out.
As for the 504...I didn't know such a creature exsisted until I was in college studying for my degree in education! It makes me wonder if they even exsisted when I started school....

in search of balance said...

((hugs))

I'm on my way out, but I'll send you a message when I get back.

Colleen said...

Dear Jillian,
Sounds like a rough day. I hope tomorrow will be better. Know that your parents love you and are proud of you, even when you are arguing.
And yes, it's tough when children don't get what they need. Parents (all of us, really) don't always know what's available. That's another good reason that all of our blogs are good for helping people (yeah, even teenagers...)learn to find help, when needed.
As a teen, your blog is especially important, even if other teens don't comment, I'm sure you have served as encouragement to them.

Amylia said...

Jillian, your post made me Sofa King sad! (sorry to swear to a minor). You know, family, as much as we need them and love them, isn't always easy and I know that sometimes you need to yell, to scream, to vent, to let it out and to BE HEARD. No one pushes my buttons like my family and sometimes the things I say I am not proud of, but given the backstory and all the crap that has transpired over the years, in my mind it feels justified.

There's something to be said for being heard. Hindsight is always 20-20, but you know, you are an amazing young woman, but you are also only human. You have feelings and needs and breaking points. Don't beat yourself up for your fight. It happens. It will happen again, too. That's life and part of growing up. Heck, I'm 30 and I still fight with my mom and dad sometimes in a way that I shouldn't. Sometimes I know better, but do it anyway. There's a hurt little girl inside me that sometimes is screaming out to be heard, still.

About the 504--I feel the same way you do. My parents were uninformed and I had no idea something like that was out there for diabetics. The first time I came across it was as a high school teacher in Milwaukee, and I was shocked, actually, that there was a girl with a 504 plan in place because of type 1 diabetes. I was really shocked. I was uninformed about this, as well. Even as a teacher, no one ever mentioned that diabetics might have a special plan in place, and since I never did, I didn't think twice about it.

I am glad you have been okay in school and are doing well without any special plan, but it would've been nice to know it was an option, eh?

Anyway, thanks for sharing your frustrations today. I'm thinking of you and sending good ju-ju and a big hug your way!

Donna said...

Hi Jillian,
Sorry to hear you had such a rough day. But I'm sure things will settle back down. Sometimes anger & frustration have to come out or we feel like we'll explode. So I think it's good to release it once in a while. Hopefully, it doesn't happen too often. But maybe it was best it finally came out.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!

Allison said...

Jillian,

Sorry your day was so crappy. I'm always trying to teach my parents more about diabetes. I was diagnosed when I was 17, right before my senior year and I'd never heard of a 504. Then I went away to school and becamse pretty self-sufficient managing everything. Hope that things get better.

Happy WDD!

:o) Allison