Because I shot myself in the foot.

After yesterday's post, in which I feel I came across as telling people how to be parents. I've decided that an explanation of sorts is in order. In no way did I intend to offend anyone that read that post. I decided to share my feelings, just as everyone else uses their blogs to express to whatever they need to. I wasn't specifically speaking of anyone, and to tell you the truth it's not so much the blogging parents. I did not intend for you to think I called your children damaged goods. In fact I meant to call them the opposite of that. I was trying to express that sometimes the words sting for me, although I'm not sure why. I know they are words about a terrible disease not me or your children.
Anyway, I've decided to put my foot in my mouth.


So I present a funny SNL clip that is related to this little meme of sorts...


The Inside the Actor's Studio closing questions.

I've always wanted to answer them. So here goes.


What is your favorite word? Possibility

What is your least favorite word? The "N" word, in any of it's various spellings or uses.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? I love intelligent discussion, specifically when someone has an opposing view point from my own.

What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Dishonesty.

What sound or noise do you love? My dogs running into my room, their little feet make this cute noise on the hardwood floor.

What sound or noise do you hate? That screeching cat sound...I hate cats (I just keep digging my hole deeper with OC people).

What is your favorite curse word? I'll admit it. I drop the F* bomb occasionally, but I'm working on eliminating that habit.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Being a mother, of course not right now though.

What profession would you not like to do? A phlebotomist, have I mentioned that I hate blood?

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Told you so.

Have a good weekend and if you've got snow/ice like we do in Maryland, stay safe!
Feel free to take this!

The Final Round of Questions.

What would you put on a list of 50 things you'd like to do before you die? - Jeff

I’m not sure I have exactly a top 50. I’m not the most adventurous person so you won’t see climbing Mt. Everest or anything like that. But I can give you a glimpse, in no particular order of a few “goals” I have:

• I love Hawaii, the culture, the beaches, the people, everything! I went there when I was maybe 3 but the memories are vivid and I want to go back.
• I’m a wooden roller coaster fanatic. I’ve ridden a few that have graced top coaster lists, but I would love to make a trip to Cedar Point, Knott’s Berry Farm, and a few other parks to enjoy the “best” ones.
• I want to drive a car on the Autobahn. Preferably a manual Mellow Yellow Mini Cooper.
• Visit every US state.
• Visit the 5 continents I haven’t been to (I’m pretty sure you can’t hop on a plane to Antarctica and I live in North America, duh.) This may be a problem because I am not a huge fan of planes.
• Get married, if someone will have crazy little me.
• I would like to be a mother, in whatever way that comes to me.
• I’ve been thinking a little more about my future career. So owning my own business would be a goal, selling crafty bits of course. It’s the only thing I’ve ever really been happy doing.
• Becoming the proud owner of an D-SLR camera and learning more about photography as a whole.
• I want to write a book, just because. It doesn’t have to be published or anything. I’ve just realized that I like writing and telling stories, so I think it would be fun.
• This maybe stupid, but I would love to go to a taping of the Oprah Winfrey show. I trash talk her a lot around my house, but seriously there is something so incredible about her I have to see it in person.
• Purchase my own home. (This isn’t one of those typical 1001 things before I die items, but I think it’s very important.)
• I’d like to own a Newfoundland (as in the dog, I know it’s random.)
• There are probably a few other things, but I can't really think of anything else right now.
  

Why do you want to visit Boston? Is it to check out historical stuff about the US, or do you have friends/family there? Have you already been? – Naomi

I'll admit my initial reasons for wanting to go to Boston were very superficial. First of all, I love the accent. It’s also safe to say a few famous and gorgeous guys hail from the great city. Plus I hear the shopping is amazing! Add to that the strong history and sight seeing opportunities, it sounds like my idea of a perfect city to visit.

I’ve answered them all. So now it's back to our regularly scheduled programming. If you have more questions feel free to ask. I also encourage you to open your own blogs to questions. It’s fun to switch up the topics! Happy Monday!

You gave me questions. Now you've got answers! Part 3.

Today's question comes from the lovely and kind Miss Collen.

What do you think you want to do as an adult?

Now that is truly the million dollar question. I’ve been trying to put more and more thought into my future lately. Since I’m still trying to catch up to my former classmates and friends, it’s hard to say if I will actually be a freshman in college when they will. It is my ultimate goal to go to college in 2009, like I should had everything stayed on track. I have some friends who know exactly what they want in potential colleges, careers, and adult life. Me on the other hand, I have no clue. I know I need to go to college. Where that college is or what I’ll study there, I can’t tell you. I can however tell you that I know at some point I would like to get married and have children, but who knows if that will happen. I also know I want a career, and not to just be someone’s wife or mother. (SAHM’s don’t shoot me, I know what you do is a job and I think you are amazing, but I also know that it wouldn’t be right for me.) What that career is, I don’t have an answer here either. The thing is, I’ve found that I have a lack of ambition and direction. I know that people say I am good at certain things, but I don’t feel that way or feel much passion for anything in those fields. I’m not one of those people who have known from a young age that being a writer or a doctor is exactly what they were made for. I might be one of those people who figures out what they want after dabbling in a zillion different things. For now I’m just not sure. Sorry I don't have a more interesting or direct answer. If I figure it out I'll definitely write about it.

PS. It's snowing here today and sticking!!
Finnegan & I are very happy about this!!!

You gave me questions. Now you've got answers! Part 2b.

Now for the second part of Amylia's questions. I have to say I think I've been putting this one off. Diabetes questions sometimes baffle me. I'm not always thinking about diabetes, I just tend to deal with D related issues in the moment and move on. I think that's why sometimes I find it hard to understand what people are talking about when they want balance between diabetes and the rest of their lives or are overwhelmed by it all. I don't usually feel that way, so it's difficult to relate. So I've done my best to answer the questions Amylia asked....


What's your weakness when it comes to diabetes, and what's your strong point? Do you have a breaking point? When do you know if you've hit it? - Amylia

Food is my weakness, plain and simple. I don’t think this is uncommon for a person with diabetes. I have fallen into many traps. Reasoning with thoughts like “if it’s low carb, I can have a lot more,” or “it’s only this one time that I’ll be eating this outrageously carb filled meal, and hey that’s what insulin is for.” Also being a teenage girl who just happens to have Type 1 Diabetes, results in a strange relationship with food. I spent my entire 8^th grade year and the beginning of 9^th grade eating just granola bars and vitamin water for breakfast and lunch eat day. Although I maintained one of the smallest sizes I have ever been, I would not recommend this type of eating to anyone in their right mind. You are probably thinking oh Jillian you’re only 16, the smallest size you’ve ever been?! Well it’s true, after about 2 years with diabetes, I started gaining a lot of weight from a combination of the diet the doctors had me on, increased insulin needs, and the type of insulin regimen I was on. Therefore I was always the more than chubby kid, and we all know what goes along with that. I’ll save the sob stories. So of course at age 12 to 13 all I wanted was to be thinner and prettier and whatever else I could come up with. Hence the granola thing and yes my parents were aware of my strange eating habits. But I already had strange eating habits and going on kicks of certain foods was normal for me. Plus the weight loss didn’t exactly make me radically thin. Now the problem is I need to add more nutritional aspects to my diet. I know what's right for me, about portion size, and calories. But let’s just say I’m not big on the veggies and such. So food, definitely food.

This one is too easy. My strong point is the numbers. I can calculate my insulin to carb ratios and correction factors with the blink of an eye. I also can see a problem in my basal rates by looking at 2 days worth of my numbers and without basal testing. I usually make the correct change on the first try. The numbers make sense. They give me piece of mind, I know how to work that system.

Breaking points….hmm. Well I can say that every time my doctor comments on how much insulin I am using, I am usually very close to telling him off. I’m taking a total of 20 less units of basal insulin than when I was on Levemir. To me that seems amazing, to him, “it’s an awful lot of insulin.” I know he means well, and he wants to encourage me to be more active and loose weight, but it still stings.

But my actual breaking point usually comes in the seat across from my doctor’s desk in his tiny cluttered office. It’s happened maybe 2 times since I’ve been his patient. The first was after returning to him after almost a year of just going to our family doctor because we had a lot of other issues to deal with. I came back with an Alc of 10.3%. The second, was the appointment just after that. He asked me to try Symlin at the previous appointment and I did. I came back 2 months later expecting a slightly better A1c. This time I had actually been working on my diet and managing my insulin better with the help of Symlin. No such luck, 10.5%. I cried in that chair and left the office in tears. When it doesn’t seem to work, no matter how hard I try, that’s when I break.

I’ve decided to surprise you with who’s next!

By the way this is officially my 100th post, it would be 101 but I deleted my actual first post somewhere along the way. Whoops, but it was embarrassingly horrible... Thanks for sticking with me, here's to many more!

You gave me questions. Now you've got answers! Part 2.

The story of what led me to home schooling is a very complicated one, but I think I need to start with it so the answers make sense. This ones a bit long and slightly tragic.

Let’s start with my 8^th grade year. It’s safe to say that I always had a plan for what my high school years would look like. From the moment my sister began her 9^th grade year at Roosevelt, I knew that it was the place I wanted to be. I wanted to make the memories that she had, have amazing friends, and success. I was about 7 at the time and what did I know?

So when 8^th grade came along it was a no brainer that I would follow in her foot steps, and join my friends at the school that everyone wanted to be at. Seriously everyone, people use fake addresses to go to this school. I tested into the same rigorous science and technology program, with a higher score than many of my other classmates. The guidance counselors from my middle school and from the high school painted a beautiful picture of the next 4 years. I was sold and I couldn’t wait for 8^th grade to over.

Then August rolled around. I went to orientation, and felt so small in this school built for 3,000. On that day I found out my schedule was wrong. I had a Spanish 1 class that had been my 3^rd choice, after Latin 2 as a first choice and some other language. You see I’d been a Latin girl since 4^th grade, and Spanish was just not going to work. So I came straight home and had my mom call the school.

It took 3 weeks for my class transfer to even take place. In that time I came down with a weird stomach illness, which we would find out later was anxiety. After scattered absences and the schedule debacle my Latin teacher thought it was in my best interest to become her student aide instead of trying to catch up almost a months worth of advanced Latin work. I wasn’t happy with it but I tried to soldier on. Only the stomach thing continued to be a problem. I spent weeks out of school curled up on the couch in pain, throwing up on the way to school, and being miserable. I’m sure the combination of the physical pain, how being in pain made me feel emotionally, the traumatic event that led to my father’s bipolar diagnosis, and hating my new school that went on within a period of 2-3 months led to the next part. But let’s just say I made a trip to the psychiatric wing of Children’s National Medical Center, for an attempted suicide. I didn’t want to go to school but I couldn’t explain a reason why.

Eventually I was put in the Home and Hospital Program, which assigned me with one tutor who quit after a day with me. This program allowed me to attend school with a new tutor in the morning for some subjects and make up work, while I did my afternoon classes on my own. The only thing was I didn’t need a “tutor” she was more of a baby sitter. This caused more harm than it was worth, as I started getting anxious about meeting with her. I even had a teacher who failed me because I told her I was going to be back in school for good, but the anxiety did not allow this to be true. (The class was Crafts, and anyone who knows me knows I should have had an A. I even worked with the tutor on make up projects.) I finished the year with the anxiety related stomach thing still there, grades I was less than proud of, and I was seeing a therapist. The plan was to return for my sophomore year as a clean slate, starting the Latin thing again and working as the stellar student I knew I could be.

I continued to see this insane therapist guy who asked me if I did street drugs all the time, through out the summer. I kept telling him that, “no I did not do street drugs, because the problem was I didn’t want to leave my house,” among other issues.

After a summer of relaxation and hanging out with my wonderful friends, I returned for round two. To make a long story short the cycle began again. I was unhappy with school, I didn’t want to be there, some days I would even make plans about just walking out, I stayed home some days, I felt out of place. All of these things didn’t really seem to have much reason behind them. I had a new therapist, I had good friends, a decent schedule, only home wasn’t great.

I went back on Home and Hospital this time outside of school and only for 6 hours a week because I couldn’t even handle more. I stalled and had panic attacks, I didn’t want to go. I would refuse to do work for the tutor, I hated her. She quit on me. I got another tutor and things started looking up, but then I realized I didn’t want to keep doing this. The school suggested an IEP and placing me at “special school”. I didn’t need a special school for kids with behavior issues. I didn’t have those, but that’s all they could offer. So my parents and I decided to discontinue the sessions with the tutor, I was in no place to attempt to do quality work. My parents proceeded with the IEP process until we could find a better option. There was talk of the GED, returning to my boundary school, repeating my sophomore year. None of these options were right, and we waited while the school worked on the whole IEP thing. In the meantime I started researching home school programs, against the advice of the school. I found one I liked, but could not enroll until I was not enrolled in public school. Summer came and the IEP process was at kind of a dead end. We made a plan to un-enroll when I turned 16 in September of 2007. So I started 2 online home school classes in July (2007) to see if this school was a fit. I liked it. So we waited and waited, until I turned 16. It turned out the school system had already un-enrolled me, but never informed us. I took on more classes in October, and am technically still a sophomore. So this is the story of how home schooling came into my life.

Now to the questions.

I'm curious about how you feel about home schooling? I know a number of families that home school their children, but I've never asked them personally about the experience. - Laura

I feel that home schooling was really the only option in my case. With all of the things that happened to me and my issues with anxiety, traditional school was not an option any longer. I needed to take the time to work with my therapist and find out how to deal with my life and a lot of family issues. I could never have done this in regular school. I also love that with this program I have freedom and flexibility. I do have to work on being more accountable for my work. I have more freedom of choice in my courses, whereas at my public high school I had to follow a specific curriculum based in science something I’m not all that fond of. It’s not traditional in the sense of my mother teaching me from a text book at our kitchen table. It’s all online; the teachers prepare “lesson viewers” which are basically more sophisticated power point presentations for every lesson, all the tests and assignments are submitted through Blackboard.com, some of the courses even offer the text books on CD.

I do have to say we considered a more traditional route for home schooling, and visited a friend would taught more than just her children in a classroom in her house. I didn’t like the idea of the Christian based curriculum, and while I know that many people do not use religious based studies, that was all she talked about. I like the idea that I can be here in the comfort of my home, do my work, go take pictures outside, eat when I need to, and take a day off if I’m sick all without so much pressure.

How do you think homeschooling has influenced your teen years? Do you miss traditional high school or is it a huge relief to be free of it all? - Amylia

Since I have only been doing this for a short time, I’m not sure it has influenced me in many ways. Though I can say the events leading to home schooling had a significant influence on the person I am today. I’ve learned a lot about myself through all of this.

The second part of that question is a toss up. I’m not sure that anyone would miss everything I went through in traditional high school. I don’t think my experience was typical, sometimes I wish I was 14 again and could do it over. I do however miss my friends a lot. I don’t see them very often, because they are technically a year ahead of me. They are preparing for college, taking AP courses, and working hard in a program that asks a lot from them. It is however a relief to not feel sick every morning because I don’t want to go to school. I’m much happier now, than I think I would have been at this stage if I had had the opportunity to continue with traditional school.

*Edit 1/12/08* I can't believe I wrote this entire thing without mentioning what all of this did to my diabetes management. While it's safe to say 2 years ago I was definitely not doing as much as I am now in terms of control. For me depression + anxiety + type 1 diabetes = high morning blood sugars when I was panicking about school, bad eating habits, and major blood sugar swings.

Next: Amylia's diabetes related questions, if you have any d-questions or topics to add feel free to leave a comment.

Thanks for all the participation, it's been fun!

You gave me questions. Now you've got answers! Part 1.

How's the guitar thing coming along? - Albert

Do you like the slide guitar and can you play it?
What's your favorite and least favorite flavor of ice cream? - Kelly K.

Guitar you ask? Before I received my guitar for Christmas the only thing I knew about it was that it had 6 strings and I thought it was pretty. Okay maybe I knew more than that, but not much. It’s been less than a month and although I have not given up on it, it has taken a back seat. In my mind I thought in a few weeks I would sound like James Taylor. Not so much. My tiny hands got in the way of the book and video lessons I was using. I understood the concepts, but my hands were just not able to perform. I’ll just have to keep at it, and as a friend suggested maybe I should Google “miracle hand growing drugs”.

As for slide guitar, I had to Google that too. After I realized that I knew what it was and had seen a few people perform playing this way, I felt a little silly. The answer is: no, I can’t play but I do like it.

Now to the one everyone cares about. ICE CREAM!!!

My favorite flavor when available is Teaberry (I’ve said this before), seeing as I’ve only ever had that in my mom’s home town, I’m a simple mint chocolate chip gal. I don’t think there is really such thing as bad ice cream though. Although I’m not a huge fan of Coldstone, you may think I’m crazy. I just don’t like the fact that the plain ice cream there is so bland and lacking classic creamy goodness. I don’t think ice cream should be built upon. It should be good without all the added things. You should be able to know that without the chocolate chips and peanut butter chunks, that vanilla base would be able to stand on its own. Least favorite, anything with almonds because I’m allergic, also pistachio is gross.

Next: Home Schooling Q&A. From Amylia & Laura

Feel free to keep asking or suggesting topics. I like this!