Tuesday, May 13, 2008

This one is all over the place.

First of all, Happy (Belated) Mother’s Day every mom!
Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs on the planet, and you deserve more than just a single day of recognition.

My thoughts have been extremely tangled lately.

School work has been the main priority, and that of course causes me to think about my future. When I think about my future there are three things that always come to mind. The first is somewhere along the lines of, “I can do this. I’m really making progress. College is really an attainable goal.” The second is more, “What if I can’t do this? It will never be enough. No college will ever want me. I’m a failure. My life sucks. I look like absolute shit on paper.” The third and hardest to think about is the fact that no matter what happens with my academic career, I’ll be watching my friends from the sidelines. I won’t have a graduation ceremony with the white robe and the smiling family in the stands. If I decide that college isn’t the right path, or I don’t feel that I’m ready, I’ll have to see my friends go off into the sunset leaving me behind. It’s hard to even write this. I guess most of all I’m just so scared that it will turn out that way, even if I do everything I can for it not to happen. The circumstances surrounding my decision to start distance learning were difficult to deal with, but now it’s even harder when thoughts like this make me doubt the choice I made.

Tomorrow I have my quarterly endocrinologist appointment. I had blood drawn last week, and I know for a fact that the results are not going to be good. If they are I would be completely surprised, and I would feel undeserving. I can see my grip slipping, and the proof is on my meter. My averages have started climbing up reaching the 140’s. At first I was writing it off. It’s stress, that time of the month, or just a fluke, but it’s gotten worse. I can see patterns in my eating habits, lax in my corrections, no logging. I’m not beating myself up, I’m acknowledging my weaknesses. I’ll get it together, I have to. I just hope that my endo doesn’t rip into me. That’s not really his style, but you know how easy it is to expect the worst the night before an appointment. If he mentions anything about my weight or how much insulin I’m taking, I can already see myself crying about it. I would appreciate if he would offer better solutions than taking Symlin or exercising more. He always says things like, “Your weight is up” or “You sure do take a lot of insulin,” but he rarely offers more than those few words. I want to scream at him, “Would you like me to start cutting my insulin?!” If I wasn’t as obsessed with striving for good management, I could see his words driving me to a bad place with my control. I know he means well, and he’s actually one of the best endos I’ve ever had, it’s just frustrating sometimes.

So until tomorrow…

10 comments:

Scott K. Johnson said...

Hi J,

It sounds like you do have a lot on your mind. You can do it, I'm sure of that.

I too become a nervous wreck before my endo appts. Why do we do that to ourselves?

Liz said...

Oh, Jillian, hang in there! Doctors can be so frustrating. I know as a teenager and a student that you don't have a lot of choices, but if he can't be any more helpful than that, I'd consider finding myself a new endo -- someone who wants to work with you to keep you healthy, instead of just dropping random comments without even explaining what he means!

Araby62 said...

Hang in there, it'll be fine. Just keep on keepin' on (:-)

snd1590 said...

Jillian, I completely understand, if that helps you at all. Although I'm not home schooled I struggled with some of the very same thoughts this year because I hated school sooo much and wasn't even sure that I could keep going on. Then there was the whole time span where I really didn't think college was the right thing for me, and the whole process just made me so angry because I felt like higher education was viewed as the singular path to success, and it felt so confining.

I know that you can do anything that you put your mind to, and if you are doubting your abilities .. don't! Look at all you have done in the past year alone. Before anyone really looks into it, I didn't think I would "look good on paper" either. I was never involved in sports, the thought of staying after school any longer than I had to prevented me from being really active in any school organizations. But I pursued interests of my own outside of school, and I was able to write something for my essay which I actually cared about. I think it's less about how you look on paper, whether you were class president, captain of the varsity soccer team, or helped feed starving children.. but more about whether or not you can convey yourself in a way that shows you care deeply about something, something that goes beyond the typical involvement in high school organizations and leadership positions. What I'm really saying is, you have nothing to worry about! And if you're doubting your decision now, just remember it was the right thing to do at the time. I think I can understand how difficult it must be to look at your friends and think that they are all together, and if you do something differently you will be on your own. What you decided was the best thing for you at the time, and just because it's not the typical path does not make it any less.

And, as for your sugars.. we all understand. It is so difficult to do the job your pancreas should do every day, and want to be perfect when it will never come close to having the "real thing". If your endocrinologist says something, don't feel too bad -because you are doing what you should, identifying your weaknesses, and striving to improve. That on its own is wonderful.

And now that I've pretty much written a book, I'll stop.. I hope some part of this has made you feel a little better!

snd1590 said...

wow. I didn't realize it was THAT long.. lol!

Jillian said...

Scott, thanks for the vote of confidence! I seriously don't know why we do that with endo appointments. I've made myself sick worrying so many nights before. Crazy!

Liz, I only have another year or so with this doctor, and I've had such horrible luck with endos that I won't leave. He's good for the most part, but sometimes we clash or he doesn't understand my needs. I will admit that I don't always advocate for myself enough.

Araby, that has been my motto for the past few weeks. I figure that at some point things will get better as long as I keep trying.

Seonaid, you made me cry! Thank you so much though. It's good to hear from someone who has actually been through the process of applying to college etc. I know my decision was the right one, but it doesn't always feel that way. I know it will be okay eventually.

Malyssa said...

Jillian,
My name is Malyssa. When you wrote about your anxiety a while back, I commented you, but remained anonymous. I also have type 1 diabetes, and I know what you are going through. I couldn't even drive past my school from september 2007 to october 2007 because of anxiety. I went the first day, and never went back. They put me on homebound in hopes that I would be back. I have seen pshycologists and pshychiarists and counsulers...you name it, I've seen them. It had gotten so bad that I couldnt even answer the door when my homebound teachers came to my house. So, I went on prozac, and I have slowly, over the months gotten better. I am now back in school full time, after going for a few classes back in april. It was hard, and I know how you feel. But, you can do anything you put your mind to! I never would have thought I would ever be back in a classroom, but all of it payed off... I have been reading your blog for quite some time now, and you are a very amazing person. Don't ever think you aren't good enough, because you are! Knowing that another person out there had both type 1 diabetes and an anxiety problem helped me imensly. You, along with some other blogs have inspired me in so many ways. I just want to thank you. Hope to hear from you soon, maybe we can talk some time.

Malyssa

Auntly H said...

Jillian,

Have you considered asking for an appt. with a CDE and/or a dietician? (I went to a combo one recently.) The appointment was longer then a typical endo. appt. and she took time to teach me some features of my pump that I hadn't been using. In your case, maybe they can help with a realistic strategy for tackling weight management or talk through the amount of insulin you're on, in a way that helps instead of snippy comments.

Good luck! I think you can see from the posts there are a lot of people pulling for you. So, remember you've got support when you need the strength to advocate for yourself.

Jillian said...

Malyssa, I'm so glad you decided to comment with your name! I thought about your last comment for a long time. I'm so happy that you've been able to return to school full time. All of those things you mentioned are things I dealt with. Unfortunately my school/county was not able to work with me/my parents to get me back to school on my terms. Even if I did catch up and continue to work, I would never be able to return to the school that my friends attend because it's a part of a special program. I know that I've made the right decision, but every once in awhile I dwell on the situation and wish it could have been different.

Auntly H, the CDE there made me cry. I was in a terrible emotion place at the time, but I still don't feel comfortable with her. I have more of an update on the appointment that I don't want to spoil here in the comments...

Naomi said...

You can plan for the future but you still have to take your life one day at a time. That's all we're given. Every day is a new opportunity, so don't forget it!

Since I've worked in education for the past 9 years I've learned that there are schools for everyone. There are all different kinds of colleges and universities, and the trick is finding the one that fits. I wouldn't worry about getting into one, or not looking good on paper. You have tons of life experience to write about, in addition to a hefty blog that is so articulate, such a clear picture of you, that any college would look at it and snap you up in a heartbeat.

Remember that YOU are the customer. You have to be persnickity and find a place that will cater to YOU, that will make YOU happy, and help you follow your dreams.

You are not on a traditional education path right now. There are plenty of higher education models that don't follow traditional education, either.

And as far as the diabetes goes... well, it is a battle. A daily one. A nightly one. I'm flummoxed and flustered with these numbers all the time. It's still a one-day-at-a-time kind of thing, though. So I'm sending you purple energy full of peace & calm & serenity! (((hugs)))